Been offline as moved home and just about changed everything in my life.. Not had time to do many mixes of late but I'm in the process of putting that right as well...So look out for some more coming very soon I have June part 2 ready and will upload it tonight when I get home.

The djing thing is moving well from mobiles one week to clubs and bars the whole thing has taken me very much by surprise at the speed it has all moved at. I must say I never thought the Vj ing would be as big as it now is along side my good buddy and awesome Vj Danno. He is producing some of the best music mashup vids you could hope to see and we mix them live. It really is something special to see and I wish you guys all lived closer so as to get the chance to view our sets.

Stay well everyone.

Les.

Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a CUT -glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

Instructions for cleaning a toilet :

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet,streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Scientists breed healthy trout from salmon to boost endangered fish stock

The surrogate-like procedure also paves the way for reviving extinct species using frozen cells.

Researchers modified salmon embryos, which grew into normal adults but produced only trout sperm and eggs.

Scroll down for more...

Breakthrough: Salmon could be used to breed trout

Their healthy trout offspring were able to have second-generation trout.

Work is now underway to breed 800 kilogram bluefin tuna from 800 gram mackerel.

If this is sucessful, it will allow widespread farming of the bluefin and other large fish in smaller, cheaper tanks.

Tuna and cod numbers in the oceans have been falling because of intense fishing spurred by growing demand for sushi in Japan and cod in Europe.

This has led to an increase in prices on supermarket shelves.

European Union officials last week banned member countries from netting bluefin tuna in the Eastern Atlantic and Mediterranean for the rest of the year after fishermen hit their annual quota early.

Staff at the Tokyo University of Marine Science and Technology, Japan, sterilised newly hatched salmon embryos by submerging them in warm water for 15 minutes.

They were then implanted with trout reproductive cells called germ cells - the early stem-cell stage of sperm.

Because newly hatched embryos do not have a mature immune system they are unable to reject foreign cells.

The male and female salmon grew up normally but with trout reproductive cells.

All their offspring were healthy trout that were themselves able to parent trout.

Researcher Dr Goro Yoshizaki said: "We isolated reproductive cells known as germ cells from rainbow trout and transplanted them into newly hatched salmon embryos.

"The newly hatched embryos do not have mature immune system and are not capable of rejecting foreign cells.

"The salmon baby grew up normally with trout reproductive cells and eventually they produced functional trout sperm and eggs.

"Since we used sterilized salmon they did not produce any salmon eggs or sperm but they produced plenty of trout sperm and eggs instead.

"Bluefin tuna is an important ingredient for Sushi and Sashimi but the resources of tuna have been declining.

"One solution of this problem would be fish farming but adult tuna reaches 600 kg and is difficult to maintain in captivity.

"If we can transplant tuna germ cells into small mackerel which mature when they reach about 600g - 1000 times smaller than that of tuna - they can produce tuna eggs and sperm.

"Consequently, by mating male and female mackerel, we can obtain tuna fertilized eggs in small fish tanks.

"By this way, we can save a lot of space, labor, and cost.

"And because we can freeze the germ cells in liquid nitrogen, we can regenerate extinct species by transplanting frozen germ cells into surrogate parents."

MORNING SEX
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in; she turned and said, Joe, you've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all ...... right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

A couch potato's dream...thought-activated television

But even that exertion might soon be avoided with the arrival of the thought-activated television.

Scientists are refining technology which could allow viewers to change channels or switch the set on and off without lifting a finger.

Scroll down for more...

Staff at the Japanese technology giant Hitachi have already succeeded in harnessing the power of thought to make a model train move and believe it is only a matter of time before the same technology can be applied to the TV remote.

The technique, known as optical topography, reads thoughts by measuring changes in blood flow to key areas of the brain.

The changes - detected by a sensor-covered cap which sends small amounts of infrared light through the brain - are passed to a small computer through optical fibres.

The computer decodes the signal, working out the person's intention. It then triggers the remote control - changing the channel or volume or switching it on or off, as desired. This week, Hitachi demonstrated the "brain-machine interface" in action, when a reporter made a model train move through the power of thought.

Doing simple sums her head activated the frontal cortex - the area of the brain involved in problem solving.

The changes in blood flow to this region were picked up by the sensorcovered cap and sent to a computer which interpreted the result as a command to move the train.

The computer then triggered a motor and the train moved off. When the reporter stopped doing the calculations, the train stopped too.

Scroll down for more...

Underlying Hitachi's brain-machine interface is a technology called optical topography, which maps out changes in blood flow

The technology could one day replace remote controls and computer keyboards and perhaps help the disabled operate electric wheelchairs. It could also be used to help paralysed people communicate - even when they have lost control of all of their muscles.

The power of thought can already be used to control artificial limbs, with brain signals meant for amputated arms caught and redirected to move bionic replacements.

Hitachi is not the only firm hoping to develop the technology, with Honda looking at the possibility of using it in "intelligent" cars.

There are, however, several problems to overcome before the gadgetry is suitable for widespread use.

These include size - although Hitachi has managed to create a cap and computer combination which weighs just 2.2lb - the equivalent of a bag of sugar.

Dolly Parton vs The Queen

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must
decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go
to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, They're the most
perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see
them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanks Dolly,and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Malvern mineral water out of her purse,
shakes it up, and gargles, then she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of
God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode
and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,"but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a
pair - no matter how big they are.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One Wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her Horror,
     She heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
     "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the
     Window. My husband's home early!"

     "I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
     "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she
     Replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of
     Your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes
     And Jumps out the window!
     As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
     Discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual
     Marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of
     Them.

     Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend
     In As best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
     Been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

     "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
     "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully Free!"
     Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your
     Clothes with you under your arm?"
     Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed
     Right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

     Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you
     Always wear a condom when you run? "

     "Nope.........just when it's raining.

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 A Tennessee The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an
 invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

 He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the
 University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you
 $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary
 thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

*********************************************************************
 A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
 the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
 under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others
 asked.."
 Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
 trail," the successful hunter replied." You left Henry laying out
 there  and carried the deer back?" they inquired. " A tough call," nodded the
 hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
 *********************************************************************
 Louisiana A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying... "When the end
 of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he
 replied  he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20
 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
 ****************************************************************
 The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to
 his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the
 parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was? " The young man
 answered,
 "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

 ****************************************************************

Below is a science fair project. In it she took filtered water and divided it into two parts. The first part she heated to boiling in a pan on the stove, and the second part she heated to boiling in a microwave. Then after cooling she used the water to water two identical plants to see if there would be any difference in the growth between the normal boiled water and the water boiled in a microwave.

FORENSIC RESEARCH DOCUMENT

Let's say it's 6.15pm and you're driving home (alone of course) after an unusually hard day on the job.

You're really tired, and frustrated……

YOU ARE REALLY STRESSED AND UPSET …. 

Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw.

You are only five miles from the hospital nearest your home.

Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far

WHAT TO DO ??? 

YOU HAVE BEEN TRAINED IN CPR, BUT THE GUY THAT CONDUCTED THE COURSE DID NOT TELL YOU HOW TO PERFORM IT ON YOURSELF !!!

HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE? 

SINCE MANY PEOPLE ARE ALONE WHEN THEY SUFFER A HEART ATTACK, WITHOUT HELP, THE PERSON WHOSE HEART IS BEATING IMPROPERLY AND WHO BEGINS TO FEEL FAINT, HAS ONLY ABOUT 10 SECONDS LEFT BEFORE LOSING CONSCIOUS 

WHAT TO DO ??

ANSWER:

DO NOT PANIC, BUT START COUGHING REPEATEDLY AND VERY VIGOROUSLY. 

A DEEP BREATH SHOULD BE TAKEN BEFORE EACH COUGH, THE COUGH MUST BE DEEP AND PROLONGED, AS WHEN PRODUCING SPUTUM FROM DEEP INSIDE THE CHEST. 

A BREATH AND A COUGH MUST BE REPEATED ABOUT EVERY TWO SECONDS WITHOUT LET-UP UNTIL HELP ARRIVES, OR UNTIL THE HEART IS FELT TO BE BEATING NORMALLY AGAIN.

DEEP BREATHS GET OXYGEN INTO THE LUNGS AND COUGHING MOVEMENTS SQUEEZE THE HEART AND KEEP THE BLOOD CIRCULATING. THE SQUEEZING PRESSURE ON THE HEART ALSO HELPS IT REGAIN NORMAL RHYTHM. IN THIS WAY, HEART ATTACK VICTIMS CAN GET TO A HOSPITAL 

ARTICLE PUBLISHED ON N.º 240 OF JOURNAL OF GENERAL HOSPITAL ROCHESTER

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows When the old man
passes a fart and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old
man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie
score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown,
tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker
and says, "Field goal,
I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's
got,
And accidentally Messes in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
--------------------------------------------------------------
 A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
 "I'd love to be eight again" she replied
 On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of   Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What  a Day!

 He put her on every ride in the park:
 
 * The Death Slide
 
 * The Wall of Fear
 
 * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
 
 Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
 
 Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
 
 Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M& M's.
 
 What a fabulous adventure!
 
 Finally she wobbled home with her husband and  collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
 
 Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

  "I meant my dress size!!!
 
 The moral of this story: Even when a man is Listening, he's still going to get it wrong.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
                      HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

        Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is
        this true?

        A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
        Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
        Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's
        like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it
        faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

        Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
        vegetables?

         A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
        Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is
        nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering
        vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also
        a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork
        chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
        vegetable products.

        Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

        A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled
        wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so
        you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made
        out of grain. Bottoms up!

        Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

        A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one
        to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

        Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
        exercise program?

        A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
        Pain...Good!

        Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

        A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.. Foods are fried these days in
        vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could
        getting more vegetables be bad for you?

        Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
        around the middle?

        A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
        You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

        Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

        A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's
        the best feel-good food around!

        Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

        A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

        Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

        A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

        Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
        had about food

        and diets.

        And Remember:

        "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
        arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
        rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate
        in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
        screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

TOP 5 SMART ASS ANSWERS  according to Reader's Digest:
 
Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket; instead, he opened his trench coat and flashed  her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was shopping for a turkey at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.  She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied," No ma'am they're dead."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.  Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."*
----------------------------------------------------------------------
AND NOW FOR THE BEST ONE!   THE SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam . "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I  guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand!"*

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.

The police officer approaches him and asks:"Have you been drinking Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man, "Was Idriving badly?"

"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

------------------------------------------------------------

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest:   "Father, it has been one month since my last confession.I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional."Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks: "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood,"the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Goand say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly walks up the aisle and sits down in front of the pulpit.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperinglyasks: "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies: "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

--------------------
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.

Santa asks: "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies: "I want a Barbie and Action Man."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says: "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."

--------------------------------------

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
 
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. 
 
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude in bed for a passionate and energetic lovemaking session.
 
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
 
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler." 
 
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my tights. "

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some
 months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
 confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

 A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
 withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of
 inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to
 the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to
 be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
 The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
 you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able
 to  work something out."
 The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
 behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
 Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address
 microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention
 please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
 "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
 anyone  can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
 With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
 at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
 Without flinching, she smiled and said, .................

 "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 A  lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long
 flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
 The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines
 and tries to catch a few winks.
 The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question,
 and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5. You ask me one and
 if, I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500."
 This catches the blonde's attention and to keep him quiet, she agrees to
 play the game.
 The lawyer asks the first question. . . . .... "What's the distance from
 the  earth to the moon?"
 The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a
 five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
 She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down
 with four?"
 The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the net and
 searches all sites. He sends email to all the smart friends he knows, all
 to  no avail. After 1 hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes the
 blonde  up and hands her £500. She takes the £500 and goes back to sleep.
 The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer, so he wakes her up again
 and asks, "Well! so what does go up a hill with three legs and comes down
 with four?"
 The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer a £5 note  out of the £500 and goes back to  sleep....

---------------------------------------------------------------
 Secret Men's Stuff!

 Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation
 took place:

 First bloke: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come fishing
 this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the
 house  next weekend."

 Second bloke: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife I will build a new
 pool deck.

 Third bloke: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise to remodel the
 kitchen."

 They continue fishing then realize the fourth bloke hasn't said a word.

 So they ask him. "You haven't said what you had to do to come fishing.
 What's the deal?"

 Fourth bloke: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. It went off, I shut it
 off,  gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex"

 She said, "Wear sun-block."

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES

1) Great.................................................. Fa Kin Su Pah

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive.................  Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP.......................................  Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man..........................................  Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse.........................................  Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?... .....................Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table..................  Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift..................... Chin Tu Fat

9) It is very dark in here............................ Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet................  Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone....................... No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week.  Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight............................. Lei ing Lo

14) He is cleaning his automobile................ Wa Shing Ka

15) That is not right.................................. Sum Ting Wong

16) Your body odour is offensive................. Yu Stin Ki Pu